Chair of the Buchanan County, DCC endorses Not Biden

[I wrote this a few months ago for McSweeneys, before Elizabeth Warren was in ascent. They didn’t take it. ]

To: The Buchanan County Ohio Democratic Central Committe

From:  Betty Pannabecker-Garcia

Hello fellow Dems!  I know it’s early in the election cycle to be endorsing a candidate.  But one candidate running in the Democratic primary makes my heart star beating a little faster and start tallying up my posterboard and Sharpies budget at Michaels.   Not Biden is the nonbinary, multiracial, multigenerational, and bisexual candidate, I think, that looks like America and could get our country back on the rails.

Not Biden is a proud social progressive; they believe that all Americans have a right to affordable healthcare and housing; they at times have even called for a universal basic income.  Even better, they have a plan to make it all work out!  And having governed in California, Colorado, Indiana, Ohio, Minnesota, Montana, Vermont, and Washington, which have large agricultural economies,  they understand the needs of people in rural areas like us.

As for their voting record, Not Biden’s is mixed; I don’t support everything they’ve supported, but they are the only candidate never to have voted for the Iraq War. They believe that women should have control of their own bodiesand they’re not so handsy-sniffy.  Also, I told my Uncle Ray a quarter century ago to stop telling my son that it’s his job to protect his sisters’ virginity and that’s not  something I’d appreciate in a president either.

As for the people who are saying that only Biden can beat Trump, remember that it was 78,000 voters in Michigan, Pennsylvania and Wisconsinwho handed Trump the White House.   We can get twice—four times that many people out with all the gifts that Not Biden brings to the table! 

And you know what I’ll be bringing to the table at next month’s meeting?  That’s right, my famous Pannabecker potato salad!  And Jorge will bring his mama’s chilaquiles.  Bring your own dish to pass, and I hope I can convince you over some good food that Not Biden is the way to go!

A collage of the 2020 Democratic Primary candidates

Here’s another passive-aggressive box of English Leather cologne products, Dad

So I’ve been experimenting with writing humor. This Father’s Day piece was turned down by McSweeneys.

Happy Father’s Day, Dad.  As a symbol of the love that you chose to give my brothers instead of me, I will again settle on a box of English Leather cologne products as my gift to you.  My vague memories of physical affection from you are all associated with that smell.  

Which gift box will it be this year?  Should I choose the one with the cowboy on the front?  Why would they put a cowboy on a box of English Leather?  Why not show someone riding English style—as opposed to Western style, in which you break a horse rather than train it.  Just like you tried to break my spirit when you sent me to fat camp, Dad.  But Patches didn’t body shame me; we rode like the wind.

Maybe I should give you the classic wooden box again.  You know, like the one I got you last year from Ebay because it was like the ones you had when I was a kid.  I thought it would evoke some nostalgia for that time before you told Tim you couldn’t believe I came from the seed of your loins.  Do you remember your reaction Dad?  You half smiled, nodded and then reached for Tim’s present, which was a “Best Dad Ever” mug.  With faux modesty, you rolled your eyes and said, “Well that’s a little hyperbolic, don’t you think?”

“It’s insanely hyperbolic,” I said.

You know what you’d say if I gave you another wooden box set this year?

“Didn’t Tim give me this last year?”

Of course the year I gave you English Leather Black was a disaster, even though that variation at least has a picture of an English saddle on it.  I thought it would be funny to go full Goth.  So I when I made the presentation, I wore fishnet stockings with skulls, black nails, lipstick and hair.   You remember Troy?  He was the one that did that fake English Leather tattoo, matching the script on the bottle.  I remember you saying, “Aren’t you a little old for dress up, honey?”

You liked the English Leather Soap on a Rope I gave you one year.  You twirled it around over your head, glint in eye and said, “You know, I could probably kill someone with this thing.”  Then you looked meaningfully in my direction.

When I tried to mix things up with English Leather Lime the on the Father’s Day after Mom died and a bottle of your favorite tequila, you told me, “I hope you kept the receipt.”

“Of course,” I said, “It’s from Walmart.”  But I was gracious. I told you I was glad you were taking $4.72 out the Walton family’s pocket and thanked you for doing your part to rein in capitalism run amok.

Googling the options, I see I haven’t given you the box of four travel size English Leather aftershave balms and skin softeners yet.

To: Customer Service, Dana Classic Fragrances

From: K——

Subject: Idea for new products

Have you thought of an English Leather skin softener, but for the heart?

Or an English Leather balm, but for the heart?